Hey you guys! Welcome back. It’s been a while since I last blogged and to tell you the truth life has really been “lyfin” you feel me! I have sat down and tried to write this blog soooo many times and never been able to complete it. I’m not sure why but maybe because of the energy and feelings I would have to face. Last year for me was a doozy. It was a disappointing year, a hurtful year, a year of grief, changes in expectations and increased fear. I guess I can start from the beginning.
I actually started the year of 2023 off great. I was very happy. I found out I was pregnant on December 28th, 2022. I was super excited and equally scared due to me being overweight. It was unexpected but deeply wanted. I was so ready for this baby. I mean I was super geeked. I just knew it would be a little girl and I couldn’t wait for the journey. Well, I started to spot and bleed the following weekend. I went to the ER and was told I was threatening a miscarriage and to follow up with my gynecologist. I prayed, was sad, and knew where this was headed but I hoped that things changed around at my follow up with the doctor. She did blood work and sure as shit my HCG levels significantly dropped and she informed me I will be miscarrying.
Then it was waiting for the miscarriage to officially take place. I miscarried at seven weeks. I miscarried silently. I walked around that day in a mood but quiet. I don’t feel like my husband knew how to really support me, or I should say I don’t know how I wanted to feel supported. And to be honest navigating my feelings around this loss was pretty rough in itself. I felt like I didn’t know what was allowed. Like, I was only seven weeks a long so do I have the right to feel devastated like I do? I was only seven weeks, should I be turned upside down so bad emotionally? I was only seven weeks, should my heart really feel broken like this? Do I have the right to grieve like women who felt the baby kick, had miscarriages further along, or had to deliver stillborn? Does the length of the pregnancy determine how I should grieve or how much emotion was okay to feel and express?
So, I dealt with it silently. I tried to speak with my husband about it a few times but he frustrated me because I really didn’t know what I wanted him to do and I started to resent him a little bit. Looking back on it though, I wanted a gigantic ass blanket of comfort from him but I guess at the time I couldn’t put it into words. Figuring out how to grieve this loss was a rollercoaster. I spoke with a few friends who reassured me that my feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel however I feel, that I wasn’t just grieving the loss of the pregnancy but the loss of everything I had quickly envisioned. The pregnancy, the labor & delivery, the possible names, the bedroom decorations, the new items that are out now, the not needed overly expensive but banging ass car seats and strollers they have out, breastfeeding again, how the boys would interact with the new baby, them growing, like so many thoughts and wishes had already been created and fallen in love with before the miscarriage. And then it all came crashing down.
Changed expectations and fear followed. But you know what, maybe not so much expectations changing but more so the fear of this happening again and me making the decision to not get pregnant again because of not wanting to experience that hurt and disappointment AGAIN. I forgot to mention the blaming of myself because the fact that I am overweight, a few chronic medical conditions, and on medications that could have one or the other or all caused a miscarriage and at the same time none of these things could have been a factor. But it was definitely easier to blame myself when I was already high risk. And that’s a thought that once it gets in your head, you can’t unthink it, can’t unsee it, can’t unfeel it, and can’t unhear it.
And honestly, I’m not over it. The baby would have been born in August if went to term. I have a cousin who was pregnant at the same time and found out two days before me. Her amazing and gorgeous little boy is earthside and every time I look at him the thought quickly crosses my mind that he and my baby would have been the same age and doing the same things and would be such a ball of joy. So I’m not over it but I have accepted it. I’ve accepted that having another baby is just not in the cards for me now, especially being 40 now. I didn’t want to be pregnant over the age of 40. So, there’s that. The thoughts of what could have been. And even though I feel blessed and grateful for the children I do have; I have a small feeling of incompleteness with that last baby not making it. But I’m still navigating these feelings and sometimes they feel fresh and sometimes I’m like get for real lady and move on. And this wasn’t my only loss last year. I lost an aunt in late 2023 and another at the beginning of 2024, and I can’t even begin to address my grief around that.
My takeaway today is give yourself the time and SPACE to grieve how and what you feel is necessary. There is no time limit, there is no comparisons to make, and there is not “one size fits all”. It is okay to address every thought, feel every feeling, and most importantly open up to those around you who are your support. Don’t grieve silently especially if it’s not helping. You deserve the same support you give others. DO NOT invalidate your own feelings. We have experienced enough people in our lives and interactions that do that for us. Don’t do it to yourself.
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