What can your pride cost you? Mines cost me two years and three and half months… So, let’s talk about it!
Picture it, Sicily 1922!!!! LOL But seriously can you picture it, me this amazing therapist (if I do say so myself) who is so aware of her own shit and can spot everyone else’s, preaches and is big on communication but yet HER OWN STUBBORNESS contributed to the distance and misunderstandings created in the relationship with her daughter. Whew. That’s really big for me y’all.
My oldest daughter and I hadn’t seen each other in two years and three and half months. Yeah, we had a few short texts and me stalking her social media in the between time but hadn’t physically seen each other in that long. I definitely reached out multiple times but it wasn't going anywhere. And the stubbornness in me said “I’m not making no one talk to me that don’t want to talk to me, I’m not going to keep calling to be ignored, she’ll need me before I need her”. In hindsight that was very immature, childish, and just petty, and reeked of pride.
Over the course of those two years, I was told so many things by different people of what she was supposedly had been saying which was very hurtful and I felt like my character was being assassinated and how do I continue to defend who I am and what has transpired to people who don’t know me that well to know better right? Don’t worry, keep going, it all comes together.
Just to tell you a little bit more about my oldest baby. She is a stubborn bull just like me. I mean she is really like me in so many ways. I’m an ARIES and she’s an AQUARIUS, yeah that says a lot in itself. She will stand on her silent treatment like me for as long as she can. But somebody had to be the bigger person and I realized that person had to be me. I ended up going to her apartment so that we could finally have a talk face to face and figure out what’s going on. I was so happy to see my baby. I hugged her and even cried a little because I’m a crybaby. But I really missed her, and it was tearing me up not talking to her or seeing her. We had a long talk and put everything out there that we were told by other people, what was true and what wasn’t, and our disconnect. And what it came down to be was our communication was shitty, just pure shitty.
If our communication had been better that breakdown would never have happened. If we had just gone to each other about what we were feeling, what we were being told, and clarification on things, the unnecessary break from each other wouldn’t have transpired. Of course, I can’t be telling y’all all the things we discussed but I will tell you what the biggest thing for me was. She said she asked me three different times how to make our relationship better and I said I don’t know I will let you know. Honestly, I only remember the first time she asked me, and I definitely did say I don’t know I’ll get back to you. And that was my answer because I truly assumed she knew that communication and spending time together for me makes a relationship better and I didn’t know what else she wanted me to say outside of that. But hell, I never said the first part to her to begin with. And I owned that and apologized.
At the end of our talk, I told her next time just come to me if you have any questions or need to know if something was said and she said you should take your own advice ma’am and we laughed and have talked everyday since and her spending the nights at OUR home.
This experience has made me be more intentional in my communication with her. I am intentional with my words and actions when we speak and when she asks things of me. I also realized that I must listen better. I used to think I listened to my daughter, but I realized I mostly listened to respond and not to actually understand and HEAR HER. I was used to the BS I had to deal with when she was a teenager that I didn’t realize she’s an adult now, growing and changing which means the dynamic of relationship needed to change as well. I absolutely never want our relationship to get back to that point again. We have promised when one of us upsets the other we can’t stop talking to each other and to get it out and move past it. As much as we put into our romantic relationships and friendships, we must put that same energy and effort into our relationships with our children. All relationships are work. And that mother and daughter relationship is a hell of one that needs MUCH communication, effort, consistency and grace. I want to be my child’s best friend and make sure she knows that no matter what I’m here. So, we’ll keep working on building, repairing and catching up.
She's doing my nails. I now have my own personal nail tech. If you guys are looking for a new nail tech let me know.
Don’t let your pride interfere with your relationship with your children. Simply communicate, even when it’s tough, overwhelming, and complicated. Communicate through it. You have to!
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